Skip to main content

Learning To Say No, When You Usually Say Yes


Great damage is done to you if you say Yes when actually you want to say No. During a lifetime, we come across incidences in the day to day life where a critical situation arises and we wrongly say Yes instead of No. This is about the analysis of all circumstances telling and teaching us why do we say Yes, how should we say No and most importantly, what are the benefits of telling No.

No means no!
(Photo source: indiatoday.in)

Why do you wrongly say 'Yes' when the correct response is 'No'?

The first ever reason is that it is an early childhood cultural conditioning following the teaching that answering people’s request with No is not being polite. At times, we have a feeling of reciprocation or a sense of indebtedness that Yes comes spontaneously instead of No. we have a feeling of finding confrontation following No. Many times, we just wrongly think that you will be liked more if we say Yes. Actually, at employment level, we often do not want to challenge authority by refusing to say Yes. The most important is most of us do not have the courage to say No, because of lack of confidence or low self-esteem. We say Yes because we want to accommodate everyone’s need ignoring ourselves and our own need. Thus, every time a wrong Yes enters with our own frustration.

Just think, are you willing to continue giving up your happiness for others? Instead of saying Yes, ask yourself – Do you really want to do this? Do I have time for this? Can someone else do this instead of me? Will my No lead to irritable consequences? Am I going to benefit at all?

Well, No is a complete sentence – there is no need to explain further, optionally you can use following sentences. Always follow your intuition and say No.

  • I am sorry, but simply, I can’t at this time.
  • I have a personal policy.
  • Let me think about it and I will get back with you.
  • It does not look like, I will be able to do. If anything changes, I’ll let you know.
  • It looks like I am going to have to pass this time.
  • I just can’t fit into my schedule.
  • That is a good cause, but I am already supporting other causes.
  • No, thank you.
Now that you have decided to say No...
  1. Take a moment before you answer. Rather than uttering your response without thinking, taking a moment will add validity to your response.
  2. Buy yourself some time, because not all the requests require a quick response.
  3. Make a decision and stick to it. It is a must.
  4. End the subject – tell No and change the conversation topic.
Assertiveness

Assertiveness allows you to express your needs, wants and opinions without hurting others around you. Being assertive will keeps you from being cheated out of what you want and deserve in life.

You have to be confident and a good communicator.

Body Language

Eye contact - fix distance. Maintain proper posture (head up, hands down and by the sides, feet on the ground with shoulders apart).

Self-empowerment

Setting healthy boundaries and creating a balance between Yeses and Nos will be key to your success and wellbeing. You use your experience, judgment and knowledge in an effort to say No. Learn self-empowerment. Taking control of your life is the strongest power of all, and it is the one that comes from within.

  1. Pursue what you desire and decide self-imposed limitations.
  2. Figure out improvements needed and do that.
  3. Build confidence in yourself.
  4. Avoid things against pleasure or satisfaction.
  5. Be positive and maintain a positive attitude. Yes, optimism and positive attitude will improve you.
  6. Don’t be afraid of failure in the effort.
Saying No to...
  • Friend: Decide depth of relationship to avoid unethical, illegal demand. Lending money, vehicle and other things demand tricky approach. True friends know their unspoken understanding and limit.
  • Family: Children need to hear No as a part of ideal parenting. Too many Yeses may spoil the child to become selfish. They never understand limitations. It is impossible to always grant everyone to their needs.
  • Parents: Be concise and do not make excuses. Ask for different time to do or suggest alternatives.
  • Spouse: You must be tactful and thoughtful to speak up clearly to maintain an overall balance in the relationship.
  • Employer: Employees do not say No, because they want to impress bosses so that they are considered during the next increment in pay and/or promotion. Though No is difficult, it can be done. Deny the requests/orders with respect maintaining good rapport and keep the lines of communication open with your superiors.
No means No, but how will you act? The Technique.

Remember you have the final say about your action. Yes, say No and stick to it, be it with kids, at work or anywhere.
  1. Take a deep breath, it will clear all the negativity and open yourself to clear communication.
  2. Relax: This will make you understand the matter.
  3. Use even tone of voice: Use even, clear, friendly tone, so soothing will be done.
  4. Listen: Hear what they have to say. It will make them feel better and give you time to say No.
  5. Keep your emotions under control.
  6. Acknowledge other party’s emotions.
  7. Clarify your intentions.
  8. Find a common ground to the situation.
  9. Finally, practice makes man perfect.
Start with small less important issues. Tell "No, I am not interested. Thank you!" Now you have learnt the art of saying No.
There is nothing wrong with considering your needs first when making a decision. You are as valuable as anyone else. Recognise your own importance and let others know that as well by saying “No” when it is needed and thus keeping “Yes” away.

Reference:


Book: Learning to say “No”, when you usually say “YES”.
Pages: 132, Year: 2011
Author: Maritza Manresa
Publisher: Jaico Publishing House Mumbai, India.

----------------------------------
Read other readers' comments.
----------------------------------

Comments

  1. I really find it problematic at times to say 'No'. As a result, the whole thing becomes a burden, be it a work or just an outing with a friend or anything else, and leaves a taste of bitterness all along. It's really, really important to learn to say 'no'. Thanks for the post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for reading my article.
      Yes,it is not easy to say , "NO".
      But it is an art one must learn.

      Delete
  2. And, thanks again for visiting my blog... :-)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Optionally, you can also email your feedback directly to the author.

Also popular this week:

Anavils - An Endangered Community

After Parsis, Anavils (Anavil Brahmins, અનાવિલ બ્રાહ્મણ ) are the fastest decreasing community. The total population of Anavils around the world does not exceed two lakhs figure and that is also fast reducing day by day. Days are not far, beyond a century or so, when they will have to be seen/found in records, photos and videos. Why?

Because,
   - they get married too late,    - many are dying unmarried,    - they wait for the career to be settled before the first (and maybe the only) childbirth.

Before Shirdi, Shivarimal and After Saputara, Shivarimal - Story of a School for Blind Children

We visit Saputara (the only hill station in Gujarat) round the year for pleasure trips. Similarly, the devotees of Sai Baba visit Shirdi frequently. For a change and possibly a better experience, I’d like to suggest you visit Shivarimal (a Free Residential School for Visually Impaired (Blind) and Physically Challenged Children), about 20 km from Saputara and 93 km away from Bilimora on Bilimora-Saputara road. Let me tell you my reasons for details.

My close friend Piyushbhai Dharaiya formed a charitable trust in the name of his wife Late Jyotsanaben and decided to donate the interest away, every year. I suggested him to visit Shivarimal School for Blind Children and experience the emotions of blind students. We finally visited this place on Sunday, February 16th, 2014 and the result is this introductory article.

કાર્તિકેય

કાર્તિકેયના જન્મની વાત

તારક નામ ના અસૂરે દાનવે દેવોને હરાવ્યા હતા. તેને મારવા માટે દેવોએ શું-કરવું તે વિચાર્યું તેને તારક ને મળેલા વરદાન મુજબ તેને ફક્ત નાનું બાળક દ્વારા બનેલું અને માર્ગદર્શિત લશ્કર જ મારી શકે એમ હોવાથી તેઓએ બ્રમ્હાનો સંપર્ક કર્યો. બ્રમ્હાના કહેવા મુજબ ફક્ત શિવ-પુરુષ દ્વારા ફક્ત એકલાથી પેદા થયેલ બાળક – ફક્ત ભગવાન શંકર જ આપી શકે ભગવાન શંકર ને મોહિત કરવા “કામ” ને મોકલ્યો પરંતુ શિવ તેને “ત્રીજી આંખ” ખોલી ને ભશ્મ બનાવી દીધો. ત્યારે તેમણે શક્તિ પાર્વતિ ને આજીજી કરી. પરંતુ આ ભગવાન શિવને પાર્વતિ મનાવી શક્તિ નથી. પરંતુ પછીથી દેવો અને પાર્વતિ ની વિનંતી ગ્રાહ્ય રાખી શિવ છ ચમકારા જેવા અગ્નિ રૂપે બીજ એટલે કે વીર્ય આપે છે તેથી કાર્તિકેય ને સ્કંધ (વીર્ય દ્વારા જીવીત) પણ કહે છે.

આવા શક્તિશાળી અને ઉષ્ણ બીજને અગ્નિને દેવો આપે છે. અગ્નિ બીજને ગરમ હોવાથી સાચવી શક્તિ નથી, ત્યારે પવનને આપે છે. જે વાયુ- પવન ગંગામાં પધરાવે છે ત્યાં પાણી ઉકાળવા માંડે છે અને બારું ના જંગલમાં આ વીર્યમાથી આગ લગતાં,બચેલા અંગારામાથી છ બાળકો ઉદભવે છે. માં માટે રડતાં તડપતા છ બાળકો માંથી છ માથાવાળું એક બા…

Karmic Theory (Law Of Karma)

“Facing Challenges and Creating Destiny” by BK Shivani, Gurgaon
National Conference on Mind-Body-Medicine, Mount Abu.
August 6-10, 2010
What is Karma?

Karma is work or energy going out in the form of 1. Thought, 2. Word and/or 3. Action. Resultant return of energy is in the same amount known as Bhagya (Destiny). The role of God is to ask you to do Karma and to help you to do RIGHT karma. Then whatever good/bad karma you do, the result is accordingly and entirely your responsibility. Because the result is Destiny (Bhagya). So don’t blame anyone else or God for anything bad. Do not try to blame someone responsible for your own deed and its result.

Rahul & Shivani's Wedding

Whatever smartness or intelligence one has, to anticipate the probable attitude of the future partner is difficult. So for the continuation of the marriage, adjustment and compromises are must, compulsory.



One has to marry because the law does not allow man-woman physical relations at random and society has laid certain norms of man-woman staying together. Though liberate present-day scenario allows live-in relations and physical relationship without much fuss, marriages are unavoidable.

Once decided to marry, the second question arising is the method – the technique of the wedding. How many persons to be invited, the place of the wedding, the menu and its preparation and the details of the function is the subject of this article.