Dr. Bharat Desai's Blog

Balancing two sides of relations: A son/daughter: Parents and offsprings A married woman: Parents and parents-in-laws A married son: Wife and parents When you are any of the above, you are an in-between person. You have to be tricky, cautious and careful person in handling either side maintaining your own views or you will be in trouble. You need not be judging any, but you have to be neutral and caring both.

One year back, I was writing about myself in an article Death at 60 . I wrote there I was ready to die at any time, but given a choice, I would like to wait until my father was alive. My purpose for this demand of concession was my desire to support my father morally and physically in his old age. Well, he did not agree to this and went away forever on his own. So, I can loudly pronounce now “I am ready to die!” However, I have yet to learn how to react to someone when I disagree with them and/or my ideas differ in total from the concerned person. At present, in such situations, I keep myself away and withdraw. It can be labeled as escapism . But coming to a consensus or agreement is not always easy. Due to the generation gap or the conservative approach of parents, the difference of opinion is bound to be there. Here, both parties should take care of maintaining the dignity of the other. The ideal option is to ignore the nature of the parents and forgive them immediately.

Why and how should we visit our close relatives/friends? Close relatives are the best God-gift,. I would first like to talk about who they are, to start this article. They are: Parents Son/daughter Brother/sister Above relatives-in-law and Close friends

After voluntary retirement as Government Medical Officer, my wife Dr Bhavana (Devyani) wanted to have a vacation and I joined her. The long break of 14 days (2 weeks) was starting on date 9th March 2011 and ending on 23rd March 2011. We planned to stay at Rahul’s (our son) residence at Bangalore and return to Bilimora. Vacation - is stopping the continuous job/work and retire at some place at leisure. We know vacation is a change of activity and we did that. It is a recess, say a break or temporary cessation of routine work. Is vacation necessary ?

Parents and Children on Facebook : If all the concerned are transparent and so open to have any dialogue, if each can talk freely without fear or hesitation, 'friendship on Facebook' is not a problem. Well, all have to be frank and open is a pre-condition or better be away from here, as otherwise also they are!

Continued from  I, at 60 Before starting this story, I must admit, I have been accompanied by a brother before birth till today - a pair of twins. We are hardly comparable in any way or let me say, we are totally different in nature, look and attitude - we are always available to each other. I had parents to guide me till 60, of whom I lost my mother a month back. My father is always available with his viewpoint to guide me in need on any issue with clarity of thought and without forcing to follow the same. I understand it as a great luxury many do not have.

Lifeline : In Kaun Banega Crorepati (KBC), a TV game show, they say one shouldn't delay decision of using a lifeline when in confusion or state of uncertainty. Or else, you may lose lots of money, or possible all your money. Similarly in real life, in the state of confusion, frustration or uncertainty, don't hesitate in using available lifeline (here, a lifeline may mean parents, close relatives, friends) immediately or you will end up with troubles having no way out. - Dr. Shashikant Shah

A few days ago, my mother (84) passed away of old age. I had an experience of being in a state of sorrow due to her demise. The article is an outcome of experiences following the incidence. I did realize the need and importance of true consolation to the grieved person. So I thought it is prudent to write from the heart words giving guidance. Condolence : It is expressing sympathy to a misfortune or bereavement (one deprived of relative because of death). Consolation : To give comfort or sympathy to an unhappy person. On the death of a close relative, a sudden gap is created due to the absence of that relative. Even the mentally strong person understanding every aspect of the event becomes shocked for a while. Here is the need of true consolation known as 'condolence.'

BE ALERT! When either of your parents comment, criticise or say something about your spouse/life-partner in absence of the concerned partner, be alert. They may be wrong or say prejudiced. So be alert, prudent and cautious before discussing this or taking any action against the concerned person.

Mind your mind! Or you may need a psychiatrist at the earliest. If you cannot love and respect any one of the following (whatever their nature, economic or intellectual level may be) - Parents, Parents-in-law, Son/Daughter, or Son/Daughter-in-law, consider checking your thought cycle and revise it. Or else, you may be nowhere.  You may lose your most important life support following your method.

Alert ! When you are staying as a nuclear family, say single pair of husband-wife for long duration, a time comes you start enjoying-loving your privacy and loneliness. And time comes when you don't like any break-breach in that, meaning thereby you start disliking, if not hating, any person around.

Be cautious in critising the in-laws of your son; he may not like it even if you are right. Avoid being critic with bad taste, you will be the loser. Your son is married and he is neutral to both the sides, non-biased for any.

From:    Dr Bharat Desai To:         feedback2jyoti@chitralekha.com Date:      Sun, Jul 18, 2010, at 9:53 PM Subject:  Father's reply to a daughter married against his will, on Father's day. Beloved Prathana, This is a reply to your letter published in Chitralekha direct from the heart of a Father, uncensored.

It is the THE RIGHT of a married couple to decide when to be parents and how many times. Parents and parents-in-law must not dictate or suggest about what they wish. In my opinion, ideal is the first child soon after the wedding, second at the earliest convenient time. Late parenthood is complicated and difficult once in a while. Single child is sometimes a problem child.

When you start receiving the following... No new messages or emails  No mobile calls to disturb you round the day  Phones and letters are left only for death news ...don't bother much about them. Start understanding the limit of relationships and be on-guard, instead of disturbing concerned the persons.