Skip to main content

Condolence

A few days ago, my mother (84) passed away of old age. I had an experience of being in a state of sorrow due to her demise. The article is an outcome of experiences following the incidence. I did realize the need and importance of true consolation to the grieved person. So I thought it is prudent to write from the heart words giving guidance.


Condolence: It is expressing sympathy to a misfortune or bereavement (one deprived of relative because of death).
Consolation: To give comfort or sympathy to an unhappy person.

On the death of a close relative, a sudden gap is created due to the absence of that relative. Even the mentally strong person understanding every aspect of the event becomes shocked for a while. Here is the need of true consolation known as 'condolence.'
I will tell the story in four divisions: Decision, time, place and technique.
  • Decision: Decide whether your meeting the grieved person has any role to play in the grieved situation. If the answer is No, just forget the event. Either you are a close relative or a friend; your presence is must or you have a formal relation, you will only be a part of the crowd and nothing else. Just ask yourself and act.
  • Time: Without seeing the customs or calendar, one should meet the relative at the earliest. The formal time fixed for special condolence meeting is only for formal and casual relations, if you are truly close one, do not wait. Do not find false excuses here and there, they are against your relations. My understanding tells avoid lunch/dinner time and resting/sleeping hours, early morning and late evening times.
  • Place: The best place to go for condolence is where death has occurred and the relatives gathered are staying. Avoid meeting at the workplace - say office, or anywhere on the road, at some third place you accidentally met and start your story.
  • Method: The best method I have understood is meeting personally. Any words are hardly required. Your expressions tell all you want to. Still, if you think it will not suffice, you can tell how you will miss one and your experiences with the departed soul. You can add how sure you are about facing the situation and what help you will offer to one present. Remember it is no place for exhibiting your smartness and intelligence if you have any. Avoid this cautiously.
Well, if you are not in the position to meet personally, do not mind. Just be silent, the other best method of consoling. Refrain from calling on the phone and showing your pseudo-concern, it not only disturbs, it irritates.

Words can be rightly expressed in a letter, E-mail via internet or SMS on mobile. Be honest, precise and true in writing. It will work.

Let me express my thanks to all who did this with me on the demise of my mother. Vaishali and Rahul did the best as expected. The SMS to be praised were from Kaushal Suthar, Janak Panchal, Bhumika Naik to name the few. Amongst letters, one each from Dr Rohit Desai, Arvind Naik, Rekha Parmar and Dhamesh Kapadia gave right solace.

Well, condolence has a role in the demise of a close relative, but it should be immediate, silent and a right manner. Otherwise, instead of helping the grieved one, it disturbs.


Related article:
Void After My Father's Departure

Comments

  1. I am speechless after reading this article...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Janak Panchal, Binta Rana and Poorva,
      I liked your response. Thanks anyways.
      Dr Bharat Desai

      Delete
  2. It seemed like a chapter from the book "Do's and Dont's in Life".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    2. Beloved Ravi,

      It is more sharing an experience and less advise. It is important to be responsible than formal. I also wanted to add about dress code and duration of meeting time. But I thought small is beautiful.

      Pappa.

      Delete
  3. Nice article!

    Being an atheist, I struggled with a mild but nagging temptation to *believe* when one of my close relatives died several years ago. For a believer (in God, religion, afterlife etc.), it's relatively easy (for the lack of a better word) to console themselves. The departed soul is believed to be in a "better place", which gives comfort. But for an atheist, death is the end. I just had to come to terms with the loss. The only consolation was that I was glad to have know that person, and have had that person in my life; and I was contented that the person lived a happy, healthy and inspiring life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Vishal,
      I like your being an ATHEIST and I congratulate for the same.
      Yes, and still, it is not that easy to accept loss of the departed relative...whatever your belief is.
      Thanks for sending response and being with me for the said time..
      Dr Bharat Desai

      Delete
  4. 'Perfect' is the only word for this article ........
    It takes lot of maturity and experience to write on such topics......
    I am too small to understand the depth of it or comment on it.... but I think the do's and don'ts mentioned above are very useful for every sensible individual ....
    thanks and keep writing!
    -Poorva..

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sometimes simple reminders like these say so much and remind of so many incidences. Thanks for sharing this one.

    ReplyDelete
  6. When writing words of condolences on behalf of someone, you can say it like this "I am very sorry to hear your loss and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family." Be nice and tender, sensitive, sympathetic and caring. At some point, it may relieve the pain the feel and comfort the bereaved.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you. When writing your words of condolence to the family or to a person in the family whom you know very well, it is thoughtful to show sadness that the deceased is no longer with them. Say something about happy memories you had with the deceased and most likely the family will like to read about it. The tone should be respectful and not casual.
    Cathy,
    Obituarieshelp.org

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cathy,
      Thanks for responding on my article.
      I agree to follow your guidelines, they do guide me and all concerned.
      I am in hurry to visit your Obituarieshelp.org..
      Dr Bharat Desai

      Delete
  8. Civil Lab Equipment Manufacturer is the leading Manufacturer, Supplier and Exporter of Civil Engineering Lab Equipments or instruments. Established in 2005.

    Mob: +91-9891445495, +91-8448366515, +918587026175
    Phone : +91-11-23657121
    Website : http://setestindia.com, http://civillabequipmentmanufacturer.com

    ReplyDelete

Post a comment

Optionally, you can also email your feedback directly to the author.

Popular this week:

Anavils - An Endangered Community

After Parsis, Anavils (Anavil Brahmins, અનાવિલ બ્રાહ્મણ ) are the fastest decreasing community. The total population of Anavils around the world does not exceed two lakhs figure and that is also fast reducing day by day. Days are not far, beyond a century or so, when they will have to be seen/found in records, photos and videos. Why?

Because,
   - they get married too late,    - many are dying unmarried,    - they wait for the career to be settled before the first (and maybe the only) childbirth.

Jainism: Simplified

I am introducing here world spread religion having 5.5 million followers, mainly in India and abroad like USA, UK, Canada, East Africa and many other countries in one of the six greatest religions. Word "Jain" is derived from "Jina" meaning conqueror. "Arihant" is one who has destroyed his inner enemies like anger, greed, passion and ego.


On Father’s Day

Parents are important. Because we take birth because of them. They get married (usually)and decide to become parents. They stop anti-pregnancy drugs-contraceptives, they start loving(!) each other and have a physical relationship or sometimes even tolerate the torture of IVF and end result is the birth of a child - YOU! So, in a time of very late marriages, delayed parenthood and zero-to-one child, to take birth is no accident. Point being, the parents are important and the children should be grateful to them.

Karmic Theory (Law Of Karma)

“Facing Challenges and Creating Destiny” by BK Shivani, Gurgaon
National Conference on Mind-Body-Medicine, Mount Abu.
August 6-10, 2010
What is Karma?

Karma is work or energy going out in the form of 1. Thought, 2. Word and/or 3. Action. Resultant return of energy is in the same amount known as Bhagya (Destiny). The role of God is to ask you to do Karma and to help you to do RIGHT karma. Then whatever good/bad karma you do, the result is accordingly and entirely your responsibility. Because the result is Destiny (Bhagya). So don’t blame anyone else or God for anything bad. Do not try to blame someone responsible for your own deed and its result.

My 2018 Accounts (On Life)

Over time, I have learnt and practised being accountable and better-organised in day to day life. That makes me disciplined and presentable with honour – any time and every time. I maintain day to day diary for the last seven years recording all the events and emotions. Reading the contents of the 2018 year diary inspired me to write the statement of account presenting activities of 365 days of the year.

Daily Routine
I consider my day starting at night, 9.30 PM, when I go to bed. I get up around 2:00 to 3:00 AM. That’s when I do my reading and writing work until I fall asleep again. That gives me more than 2 to 3 hours of study every night.I do clinical practice as an ophthalmologist between 9.30 AM to 1:00 PM in the morning and 4.30 to 7:00 PM in the evening. Yes, after lunch, between 1.30 to 4:00 PM there is a compulsory sleep, the classic after siesta, for about two hours.Morning hours, between 7:00 to 9.30 AM are “no work” time, spent in getting ready, reading newspapers and havin…

ચાલો, જાણીએ દક્ષિણ ગુજરાતના અનાવિલોને

અનાવિલ સમાજનો પરિચય
વાપીથી તાપી અથવા કહોકે ઉંમરગામથી કોસંબા સુધી વિસ્તરેલા અનાવિલો, હકીકતમાં વિશ્વના દરેક ખૂણે પથરાયેલા છે. અપરિણિત રહેવું- મોડાં લગ્નો અને એક કે તેથી ઓછા બાળકો ધરાવતા અનાવિલો ધીરે ધીરે કુલ બે લાખથી પણ ઓછી વસ્તી વિશ્વમાં ધરાવે છે. આપણો ઈતિહાસ
આપણે કહી શકીએ કે આપણો ઈતિહાસ કમસેકમ 5000 વર્ષ જુનો છે. દક્ષિણ ગુજરાતના અનાવલ (ત્યારે અનાદિપુર તરીકે પ્રખ્યાત) ખાતે ભગવાન રામને રાવણ જેવા બ્રાહ્મમણના વધના પ્રાયશ્ચિત માટે પાપ ધોવા માટે મહાયજ્ઞ કરવાની જરૂર પડી ત્યારે હનુમાન આપણા પૂર્વજોને આયોધ્યાથી અનાવલ લાવ્યા હતા ત્યારથી આપણે અજાચક્ર બ્રાહ્મમણો કે અનાવિલ તરીકે ઓળખાઈએ છીએ. હકીકતમાં, આપણે અફઘાનિસ્તાનથી આવેલા આર્યો છીએ.બિહારના મગધ રાજ્યના રાજ્યકર્તા તરીકે પણ આપણા પૂર્વજો ઓળખાયા છે. અનાવિલ રાજા “પૂત્રક” નાગકન્યા “પાટલી” સાથે લગ્ન કર્યા પછી રાજધાની તરીકે “પાટલીપૂત્રક” શહેર વસાવે છે જે આજે પટના તરીકે ઓળખાય છે. તેથી જ આપણા જેવા બુદ્ધિશાળી અને નેતા ચાણકય ઉર્ફે કૌટિલ્ય પણ અનાવિલ હોવાનું મનાય છે.અનાવલ રાજ્ય જે વ્યારા, મહુવા, વાંસદા, અને ચીખલી તાલુકા સુધી વિસ્તરેલું હતું તેના રાજા અનાવ…

ભગવાન શિવ શંકર – ભોલેનાથ

શિવ – શંકર – ભોલેનાથ તરીકે
ભગવાન શંકર નો પરિચય ભોલેનાથ તરીકે અવરનવાર આપવામાં આવે છે, તે અમસ્તો નથી. તેના ભોળપણ ના અસંખ્ય દાખલાઓ તેમના જીવનમાથી જોવા મળે છે, તેથી આ વાત સાબિત થયેલ છે. તો, ચાલો,તેની વિગત મેળવીએ.

ભગવાન શિવ દુનિયાદારીથી તદ્દન અજાણ હતા એટલે તેમને લગ્ન કેવી રીતે થાય, લગ્ન પછી ઘર કેમ જોઈએ અથવા લગ્ન પછી શરીર સંબધ શા માટે જરૂરી તેની બિલકુલ ખબર નહોતી.

મોરારજી દેસાઈ

ભારતના ભૂતપૂર્વ વડાપ્રધાન શ્રી. મોરારજી દેસાઈ આપણી વચ્ચે જીવ્યા અને મર્યા. તેમને માટે આપણને સૌને ગર્વ છે. કારણ તેઓ ગુજરાતી હતા. આપણી જેમ અનાવિલ હતા અને ગરીબ પરિવારના સભ્ય હતા. તો પણ ભારતના રાજકિય સર્વોચ્ચ પદ વડાપ્રધાન પદે સ્વબળે પહોચ્યા હતા. તેઓ આપણા હતા આપણી સાથે હતા જીવ્યા હતા. આપણે તેમને સરળતાથી મળીને વાતચીત કરી શકતા હતા. છતાં તેમનો પરિચય મને કહેવા દો.

મોરારજી દેસાઈનો સ્વભાવ

સાચો પરિચય ખૂબ ઓછા લોકોને હતો. આથી તેમના વિષે ઘણી ગેરસમજો પ્રવર્તતી હતી. તેમના વિષે પૂર્વગ્રહથી લખાતી માહિતીઓ દ્વારા આપણે તેમને ઓળખતા થયા હતા. ત્યારે તેમનો સ્વભાવ જીદ્દી, તુંડમિજાજી, અભિમાની કે ખૂબ જ કડક હોવાની ખોટી માન્યતા હતી. તે દૂર કરવાનો અને સાચી રીતે તેમને ઓળખાવવાનો પ્રયત્ન અહી મેં કર્યો છે. મોરારજી દેસાઈના સ્વભાવનો પરિચય કરાવવા અને તેમને થતો અન્યાય નિવારવા હું તેમની આત્મકથામાંથી દેખાતા અને ઉદભવતા તેમના સ્વભાવની વાત કરીશ. ચાલો, પહેલા ટૂંકો પરિચય જાણીએ.

ટૂંકો જીવન પરિચય
૨૯.૦૨.૧૮૯૬ વલસાડ જીલ્લાના ભદેલી ગામે મોસાળમાં જન્મપ્રાથમિક શિક્ષણ : ભદેલી અને સાવરકુંડલામાધ્યમિક શિક્ષણ : શેઠ આર.જે.જે.હાઈ સ્કૂલ અને બાઈ આવ…

Mother Is Mother

My mother passed away on 06 Oct 2010. I can say I was with my mother till 60 years of my life. Prof. Sandhyaben Bhatt (Bardoli) sent me her article on her mother and asked me to tell her about my mother. But I was reluctant to spell a few words here and there about my mother because I was considering her beyond words. Anytime, I was remembering her and praising mother is always inadequate and much less compared to the mother’s dedication for her offsprings.

My Daily Activity Report Card

Last year I wrote an article describing my year-round activities. It covered gross points of major activities and events in the year 2018. Then I thought why not write something about my day-to-day activities once in a while and the result is this article!

I am a practising ophthalmologist for 40+ years. Activities other than eye disease treatment is at the cost of professional practice. But I do not mind losing practice nowadays because that is my concept of stepwise, gradual retirement.